Aug 16, 2013

A short story: Theatre of The Family

Theatre of The Family

The satisfaction of judgment is to witness a man’s denial, to see the shell of a bitter man drown in guilt; a creature can be tortured but to condemn oneself into solitude and darkness can reveal the true self-destructive element of human nature. Lies breed within us all.

‘Salvation is obedience. Obedience is the antidote.’

 The Family’s crest infested the theatre walls where the old tattered posters for Romeo and Juliet manifested ancient promises of freedom. A rusted projector flickered from the far side of the room, a light source that made visible the rot-infested wood and red velvet chairs. Torn and tainted, it was here where they dragged the tormented souls that were forced to repent their sins. Their confessions were excruciating, leaving them screeching in agony as their demons were torn, limb from limb, an exorcism that stripped them to the bone. The theatre was the most revolting chamber for judgement. Murderers, rapists and paedophiles collected, where their fate would be decided by the gods. May The Family have no mercy upon a serpent’s soul.

 Alexander awoke on the front row from his former curled up position. His bleak facial expression showed no signs of remorse. He sat still, captivated by the freedom of memories; they were all he had, a never ending cycle of cynical films directed by his brain to escape reality. Alexander felt a sharp pain through his heart. Glancing down to search for physical bruising, he found his so called tattoo, ‘The family watches you my angel; we will catch you if you fall’. The holy words stained the left of his chest, seeping into his heart.

As the silence grew his imagination wandered into the past, where his daughter's childlike piano tune teased his ear, haunting him with its innocence and as the melodies came to a halt, bitter guilt trickled down his cheek. In reminiscing he manipulated his own memory. It was an illusion where sweet darling Jess had lost herself in the music years ago, she was free, time was a dream and The Family were nothing but an audience to her show. Suicide could never seem so poetic, where her last cry would be of liberation.  This was the only version of his psychotic reality that kept him going; to pretend that his child took her own life instead of facing reality. It was the only blessing Satan could bestow upon a man. Denial is a parasite of the mind.

The putrid stench of rodents and decayed plaster infected his senses; he could no longer recall the previous optimism his lies had deceived him with. A sharp ticking noise from the clock above the curtains caught his ear, a trigger of time that caused his heart to beat to a pattern he had forgotten long ago. In that moment, he knew. Judgement day was coming and everything he programmed himself to believe was a lie. Everything he did was there to manipulate him into a further depth of denial. He knew that The Family were watching, believing every step he took had been chosen for him. Every sound he heard was specifically produced to create a reaction, a memory.

One by one the shadows of men entered: actors, whose simple purpose was to re-enact Alexander’s forgotten sins. A child-like figure was dragged behind, an arm engulfed in the darkness of one man’s shadow. A guilty man could not bear the truth but with the child’s final agonizing scream an inner mechanism exploded within him. He shouted and screeched but his pain did nothing but flood his mind with his sinful memories. The wind crept inside his skin as he stood paralyzed.

 A noose lowered from the rusted lights above, his bones ached while his heart viciously beat to a pattern of guilt. The actors teased the rope around the corpse’s neck, scraping scratched skin where anxiety and murder would have bred from the genes of her father.  As the moonlight taunted his eyes his breath dragged and his shouts decayed to mumbled prayers.

The bitter truth could no longer be forgotten, the silhouette was the corpse of his daughter, Jess, a sweet innocent child whose life had come to an end. Innocence was taken away from her and in realising what he had done, he was marked a dead man. Alexander became the screeching soul; he had become the very thing he swore to hate. She hung. Lifeless, at the hands of Alexander, a man that hated the world he lived in so much, he took his own daughters life.

A murderer, that’s what he is. A coward! A traitor! How could he despise and blame The Family so much when such darkness infested his heart? A sentence of death would be too easy for the scum he was.


Alexander: the parasite among angels.

-Bradley O'Donoghue

Aug 7, 2013

Never let the past oppress you from living

The last few weeks/months have been so surreal for me and I wouldn’t have gotten through it without my friends and one special person. I apologize for the very personal blog post but hopefully it can help those that are still in the position that I used to be in. I’m not going to outright say what the actual thing is because you can most likely guess or just message me and i’ll tell you.

Here goes...

From a young age I forced myself into a lie, a lie that made me ashamed and embarrassed to be who I was, the feelings that I had and the things that I had done. I lived a lie for about two years, becoming slightly depressed and very deceptive to the people around me. The reason why I didn't talk to anyone was because issues in the past had made me insecure about how other people would react and if they’d make fun of me rather than be there for me and support me.  I used lies as a way to hide from my problems and make others happier because it was easier that way. If I’m being honest, I've made massive mistakes and gone to bad places in my life in the last two years and it is really hard to pick yourself up. It is so much easier to put on a fake smile and live a lie, but nothing will ever get better if you constantly hide from your problems.

But over the past few months, through meeting someone who actually cared about me and my feelings I started telling friends about my past, ignoring the fact that my life is still nowhere near stable. And the funny thing is, they cared more about my happiness and supporting me than the people in my life who should.  It made me learn that you shouldn't be oppressed by your past; your past does not define you. You are defined by how you learn from the past.

If I could give a piece of advice to anyone who feels like they don’t  have anyone to talk to or feels like they can’t be who they want to be, it would be this:

Don’t live for  other people, this is your life. Life is way too short to let the past or other people bring you down. Be who you are, be proud of you who are and confide in those that you love. Don’t be afraid of rejection,  if they can’t accept you or love you for who you are then they never deserved your friendship in the first place. It’s better to be hated than loved for what you’re not.  

Be brave and love yourself.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, message me. We all need someone. 


Jul 18, 2013

Hypocisy: Lost In My Own Family


It seems like when we were children we could be whatever we aspired to be, that our hopes and dreams could become a reality. The world had no limits and we looked through an innocent eye at the beautiful world around us. Our parents were our heroes who thrived on convincing us that we could be whoever we wanted to be. Back then, before adolescence cracked the mirror which we see the world through, we had a solid identity that could withstand attacks from the outside world. That was until we grew up.


Being a seventeen year old, you might think I am being ‘stupid’ and ‘melodramatic’, but aren't those words used in society to water down the message that we are trying to convey? It is with my deepest sorrows that I feel the need to express the idea that our childhood was fundamentally built on lies. We are told we can be whoever we want to be, but when we finally grow up and express ourselves in the way that we want to it is called ‘wrong’. It seems we are denied the freedom of expression from the same parents who told us that we could be whatever we wanted, because they’d always love us.


Hypocrites.

Jun 16, 2013

Follow your own path

There is something about life that is so empty and sad, yet at the same time you can appreciate its beauty. A song, a lyric, a sound, a quote, a friend, a family, an action or even a lack of action can trigger something within us that makes us think and question the smallest things we take for granted. It feels as if, the more you live your life, the more heartbreak and questions you have.  But no matter what, we still find hope in the smallest things, even when all the odds are against those that pray for things to get better.


There is an emptiness that grows within us, but without that emptiness and that curiosity, we’d be nothing. The thing that makes us question the world is the thing that keeps us going. If you’re reading this and question your life and your aspirations, just remember, do it in your time and do it your way, those you admire followed their own path to get where they are today, not the path of others.
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It'd be nice to know your opinion and for support

Jun 11, 2013

Poem for the living dead

An eternal curse turns my emotions to stone
An identity lost deep down in my bones
Family is a delusion, Home is a myth
Young, on the run, filled with emptiness

Fairy tales are nothing but dreams
Love is nothing but fantasy
If I could be who I want to be
Acceptance would be my sanity

As glass shards cut deep
I realize that you don’t shed tears for me
Deception is perfection
 So do you trust what you see?

An eternal curse turns my emotions to stone
Lost and lonely, have nowhere to go
Family is a delusion, Home is a myth
Alone, living dead, filled with bitterness

Jun 1, 2013

Deception for protection

Why is that we always chase for something we simply cannot have?
 It’s as if it’s in our human nature to always be left unsatisfied and unhappy with whatever we do.

From a young age I always thought that as you grew older, you’d become more happy and satisfied with the life you live. That your aspirations would become reality, that you’d fall in love, that you’d become attractive and all your insecurities would slowly disappear. But no, that’s just the delusion you tell yourself to get through the dark days, nothing is ever that simple and easy.

Although life isn't constantly doom and gloom; friends and family are there to support and guide you through life. But what if the life you were living, was a lie? What if you've been living life as an alter ego, a character that would prevent the outside world from seeing the real you? Does that mean your whole life is built around a lie? 

Many would ask why, why lie?
To protect yourself from your inner most fears, loneliness and isolation. What if you were scared of being alone, having to listen to the voices inside your head, where insecurities echo and guilt manifests itself. But if they told you who they were and what they had done, you would judge them. You can deny and reassure the person that you aren't, but deep down....you are. We have no time to understand one another, we are too selfish and caught up in our own mess to take the time and understand life from someone else’s perspective. You can try to deny this concept, but you never will. As a race we are hypocritical, manipulative, when given the opportunity we will do anything to better our lives over the lives of others. You say you are a kind person, but in the last year have you thought or called someone: fat, a bitch, whore, slut, gay, lesbian, cunt, twat, arrogant, annoying?
You can say or think no, but who are you trying to fool?
Not saying that it’s right.
But it’s true.


So although I have rambled on about my ideas and feeling, you might be wondering... am I talking about myself? Do I (the writer) have an alter-ego or a character that I live my everyday life as.
Well, that would be telling. I am just writing down my thoughts. But ask yourself this, do you really know who your friends are? Do you really know who your Mother/Father/Sister/Brother/Cousin/Best Friend is?

May 5, 2013

Exam Hell: Five Top Tips To Survive

It's hard to believe how fast time goes, how people change and how you change.
Life seems to be flying past, but all I can do is watch.

I can't believe It's been three weeks since I last posted a blog; I promised myself that I wouldn't force myself to write these blogs, I believe that these posts should come naturally and from the heart.
 But it seem so long since I wrote anything new. It feels like I am loosing track of time.

I am currently studying A-levels (I might have said this before but I'm far too lazy to check), and exam period is coming up. There is so much pressure right now, it never seems to end.
You have so much to do and you get into this state of mind where you begin to panic and get emotional over the most stupid and smallest things. 
It is quite funny actually... because I'm re-siting my AS Math exam (core 1) I'm trying to revise whenever I can. But on the Tuesday of this week, after I had came back from college, I tried doing maths revision but when I couldn't find my maths book I broke down. 
Yes, let me repeat. I broke down....over a maths book.
Soak that up, how pathetic my life is right now.
I think when you try so hard but things don't seem to fit into place you take it so personally, you begin to doubt your worth, your capability and it can make you really insecure.
And this ladies and gentlemen, is why you do not choose to do AS level maths or A-levels in general. 


So to conclude, here are five tips that should help people over the next few weeks (I hope):
1) Revise your ass off, it will come in handy later on in life
2) Stick close to your friends, exams can be tough to go through alone
3) Don't push yourself over the edge. If you don't understand something then step back for a moment and take a breath 
4) Do not choose A-level maths. 
And my last piece of advice: 
5) Smile, because life is too short to let the little things get you down